


A Grand Day Out

by Queen_in_the_North



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: But Ed loves him anyway, Fluff, Humor, Jon has strange whims, M/M, The horse's name is Wilbur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 00:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13492698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_in_the_North/pseuds/Queen_in_the_North
Summary: Most people simply assumed that Jonathan was the pinnacle of Southern stoicism. Edward Nigma however, was not most people. As the man’s long time lover, he was in a unique position to know that sometimes, Jonathan could get up to all matters of nonsense.





	A Grand Day Out

**Author's Note:**

> Just some nonsense I cranked out last night after reading too many goofy Scarecrow panels

By all appearances, Jonathan Crane was a serious man. And to be fair, 90% of the time, he was. He rarely smiled, and laughed even more rarely, save for when he was about to commit some new atrocity with his fear toxin. He also never participated in the shenanigans that the Rogues got up to in Arkham, which made him unique. Most people simply assumed that Jonathan was the pinnacle of Southern stoicism. Edward Nigma however, was not most people. As the man’s long time lover, he was in a unique position to know that the other 10% of the time, Jonathan could get up to all matters of nonsense.

One night in particular, would live on in infamy. Edward had been up late, designing a new death trap for the Dark Knight and most assuredly  _not_ waiting up for Jonathan to return home from his latest endeavor with fear toxin. It was around three am, and Edward was deciding whether to go for symmetry and include three saw blades in the trap, play it safe and go for four, or forget about Batman altogether and use it instead on hayseeds who saw fit to leave him alone for  _26 hours straight you unimaginable bastard_  when he finally heard the front door open.

He took a deep breath as he heard Jonathan’s telltale ungainly footsteps make their way into their shared home.  _Keep it cool Edward,_  he told himself.  _Don’t acknowledge him. Make him come to you and beg for forgiveness for not even calling to check in-_

“Mornin’ darlin’,” he heard Jonathan greet him in an upbeat, almost chipper tone. Edward’s right hand gripped the pencil he was holding so tightly he felt it snap.

“‘Mornin’ darlin?’“ he repeated incredulously. “‘Mornin’ darlin!?’ That’s all you have to say to me!? You leave home in the dead of night and don’t even think to call me while you’re gone and all you have to say is ‘mornin darlin’!?” Edward grabbed a mug off of the table, still halfway full of cold coffee and turned around, ready to chuck it at Jonathan’s straw filled head. “I’ve had just about enough of-” the next words he was about to say died on his lips as he looked at the other man for the first time in 26 hours. He was still in his costume, albeit his shoes were missing, he was carrying four old leather bound books in his bony arms and he looked damp. “Where on Earth have you been Jonathan?” he asked. “You look like you’ve been dragged through the sewers!” 

Jonathan placed the books on the couch, then took off his mask. Judging from the look on his face, he was extremely pleased with himself. “My newest formula was a complete success,” he said. “The fools in the antique book shop were screaming in terror before they could even smell the gas!” 

At any other time, Edward would think Jonathan’s enthusiasm for his work was endearing. “Oh I see,” he seethed, placing the mug back on the table and crossing his arms. “You abandoned me for over a day to go antique book shopping!? And you came home without any shoes on to top it off!”

Jonathan now seemed to be aware that Edward was angry as his brow creased. “In my defense, I didn’t intend to be gone so long. I had Bat problems when I was leaving the shop. I had to hide out in the sewers for the day.”

Edward felt the blood drain from his face. “T-the sewers? You hid out in the  _sewers_  for a full day and now you’re walking about in my home!?”

Jonathan shrugged. “I took my shoes off before I came in.”

Edward began to clap sarcastically. “Oh bravo Jon, thank Heavens for small favors!” Jonathan ignored this jibe and walked into the kitchen. 

“Do we have anything to feed a horse with?”

Edward rolled his eyes. “No Jon, I must have forgotten to get horse feed last time I was at the-” his eyes widened when he fully processed what Jon had asked him. “Why do you ask?”

“I really should feed the horse.”

“Jonathan, you’re not making any sense. What horse?”

“The horse I rode to get back here. He’s tied up outside.”

Edward’s jaw dropped once. “A horse-a horse!” he spluttered. “ _Why is there a horse outside our house!?”_

“I told you, I rode him back here.”

_“Where did you even get a horse!?”_

“I climbed out of the sewers outside of the park. There was a mounted GCPD officer making rounds. I gassed him and took the horse.”

Edward sank down onto the couch next to the books, massaging his temple with his fingers. “…You rode a horse all the way back here?”

Jonathan emerged from the kitchen carrying assorted vegetables. “I figured it would be less conspicuous than if I stole a car.”

Edward began to laugh, almost hysterically. “Oh you’re right Jonathan, there’s nothing at all conspicuous about  _a six and a half foot tall man dressed as a scarecrow riding a horse down the city streets!_  I suppose you were spraying fear toxin as you passed people on your merry way here? _”_

Jonathan shrugged. “Couldn’t let the batch go to waste, now could I? I’ll be right back.” Jonathan went back outside. Edward took a peek out the window to confirm that yes indeed, there was a horse tied to a tree just outside their home. This is what he got for indulging Jonathan and moving to a place outside the city proper. Well, no more. Jonathan had gone too far this time. Jonathan came back into the house, with a suitably chastened look on his face. “Edward,” he said carefully. “It’s occurred to me that you’re a bit upset about this, but-”

“A bit upset?” Edward interrupted. “A _bit_ upset _?”_ Edward picked up one of the books next to him on the couch and took a step towards Jonathan. “Riddle me this: what’s 6′5, covered in burlap and about to be permanently exiled from my bed-” Edward then got a closer look at the book. “Wait, is this a first edition of Waiting for Godot?” Jonathan didn’t read Beckett. 

Jonathan’s mouth arched back up into a grin. “Take a look at the other books.”

Edward did so. One was a Vonnegut first edition, the other a collection of pulp detective fiction. “Are-are these all for me? Why?”

“Edward,” Jonathan chastised. “Surely someone as brilliant as you remembers what day this is today.”

Edward was about to respond to the perceived slight about his intelligence when realization dawned on him. As of three hours and 20 minutes ago, it was his birthday. Jonathan chucked a bit as he watched Edward’s face turn from confusion to surprise.

“Happy birthday darlin’.”

In an instant, all of Edward’s anger melted away to be replaced by the realization of just how much he adored this strange, wonderful man. “You left in the dead of night to go shopping for my birthday present?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Edward laughed a bit at that, genuinely this time. “Well, you certainly succeeded at that.” Jonathan took a step towards him then, no doubt wanting to embrace him. Edward help his hand up. “First things first: I don’t want to see you out of the shower until you are thoroughly cleaned up. Second, that outfit you’re wearing? Burn it. Third, get rid of the horse. Finally, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight. That’s what you get for not calling me at least. Later today though,” he dropped his tone so that it was lower, more seductive. “After you’ve rested up, I want you to fuck me so hard that I won’t be able to leave our bed. Got it?”

Jonathan nodded, interest clearly piqued. “Alright.”

Edward picked up his presents and passed him on the way back to their bedroom, trying not to wince at the smell coming off the other man. “Good night Jon.”

“‘Night Edward,” Jonathan said. He shook his head fondly. What a strange man he’d ended up sharing his life with.


End file.
